The Exchange of Hearts

                Alone in a crowded room, that’s how I felt. No matter where I went, or who I was with, the world felt empty. My family was barely speaking with me, and if they did it was often to chastise the choices I had made. They didn't understand these strange feelings that I had been explaining to them. The problem was to me these feelings were not strange, they were who I was.  I was just getting to the point where I could accept that I was a gay man. For so many years I had been hiding the feelings deep within me. When they would come out, I would try to stifle them.  One day I was tired of beating myself up every time my heart skipped a beat seeing a Men’s Health magazine, or a good looking guy at the gym.  It felt good to go on a date with a man. There were so many ways in which I could emotionally connect, and I had never been able to do that with a woman.

                It was January. I had just experienced one of the loneliest holiday season I can remember. I had tried to date, but never seemed to find anyone that seemed to be interested in me as much as I was in them.  I could chat online with hours, but the minute I met anyone in person the feelings seemed to go away. Then by chance, I came upon across a man who called himself Mr. Fob. We started chatting, and instantly felt like this man was someone I could be really good friends with.   Our first date was to a fancy Italian restaurant.  I couldn't tell you the menu, but I do remember feeling alive. The conversation never lulled. I didn't notice the time passing by. My heart felt alive for the first time in years

                The dates with Mr. Fob continued.  Feelings I never knew existed flowed through every part of my body. One night, there was a horrific news story on TV. It upset me beyond belief. It upsets me now just thinking about it. Mr. Fob came over and held me. Made me feel safe. Helped me feel loved.   That night he turned to me, and told me about a special tradition in Wonderland. Those people who fell in love, and wanted to be together would exchange hearts. Literally. Magically.  Gently he pressed his hand to my chest. My heart swelled with love, and suddenly was glowing in the palm of his hand. It was a wonderful feeling. Making myself vulnerable, and trusting him to take care of something so precious to me. Carefully he placed my heart in his chest next to his, and then guided my hand under his heart. It was indeed powerful and strong, a heart of a creature of magic. As he helped me situate his heart in my chest, I began to feel the trust he was putting in me.

                Over time, the burden of carrying a magical heart was wearing on my mortal body. The heart demanded attention that I was not able to give it. His body had provided a safe haven for mine, yet my feeble body was not able to satisfy his. With sorrow in our souls, we knew that it would no longer be possible to carry on. We needed to trade hearts back. When the day came to trade hearts back, they both looked very different than they had months before. As I held his heart in my hand it seemed somewhat weaker, and less brilliant as it had been.  I felt horrible, but I had done the best I could. My heart, on the other hand, had thrived in his body. In fact so much, that it didn't want to leave. It took several hard tugs, before it finally dislodged.  Even then, bits and pieces were left in his body.  As he placed it in my chest, it didn't feel like my own.   My own heart felt like a stranger to me.  It yearned to be back in the care of Mr. Fob.  But Mr. Fob didn't want it.

                In a matter of days, Mr. Fob found someone else to share his heart with, and mine is all alone. My heart feels empty.  When it doesn't feel empty it is full of spite, and hate. How could Mr. Fob forget about it so easily? Why can he move on so fast? Then it hits me, I was never good enough.   And that is where I am today. Hurting. I had everything I wanted, and more.  I couldn't provide that for Mr. Fob, so he went where he could find it. So here I am again. Alone. And this is where I fear I will always be, because I could never take care of someone else’s heart as well as they take care of my own.