Opposites

            

      The theme of opposites is woven throughout the tale of Alice in Wonderland.  Not only opposites in the sense of black and white, but opposites in what one would expect to be normal as well. She is first met by a rabbit who is the opposite of what one would expect a rabbit to be, and in addition he can't decide whether to say good bye or hello. Alice is always growing from one extreme to the other, and eventually has to learn that to get to a place you want to go, you have to walk in the opposite direction. Even when the Queen of Hearts wants to kill Alice off, she wants a sentence first, verdict later.

     Lately I have been thinking a lot about opposites in my life. Just as Alice encountered many things that were hard for her to make sense in Wonderland, I too have encountered opposites in Wonderland that cause one to ponder.  Often when thinking of opposites one thinks of two different things. Black, white. Tall, short. Loud, quiet. Empty, Full.  Some of the strange opposites I have come across are of being alone vs. being alone, of silence vs. silence, and of love vs. love.

The Campfire

                The recent breakup with Mr. Fob has me reflecting on the past year, and wondering where we went wrong. What things happened that we could have done differently?  It is interesting where my mind has taken me. I was reminded of something I learned little by little as a young boy while camping with my family.

                I always have enjoyed going camping.  Growing up it was always fun to go out in nature and see the beauty that exists there. One of my favorite parts about camping is to sit around the campfire and admire the beauty that the flames create.  Each time my dad would start a fire, he would teach me how to properly build a fire. He taught me to start with small sticks and twigs, with plenty of kindling. Little by little we would add larger pieces of wood to the fire until we were able to add a log to the fire that would allow the fire to burn without as much effort on our parts.  More than one time I was a little over zealous, and added a larger log too quickly. Often the result was the fire being completely snuffed out.  When that happened we had to start over with small twigs and kindling, repeating the process until the fire could handle the larger log.

                Building a relationship is a lot like building a campfire. Love quickly ignites and burns quickly as couples learn more about one another, similar to the kindling starting a fire. Often times these feelings burn out quickly, and a crush or a fleeting feeling of love burns out quickly. At times we are lucky, and find that the feelings grow deeper. We are able to add increasingly bigger and more complex feelings into our relationships. Holding hands may lead to the first kiss, and on and so forth.  Different people react to different situations. Some situations provide a perfect environment for the flames of love to burn brighter, while other situations may act like placing a large log on a small fire and snuff it out.

                I think that is what happened to Mr. Fob and I. We added too many complex situations into our relationship at once. Things had been going well for several months. We were excited about how things were going, and we decided to move in together.  That alone was a big deal for me. It was stressful, but exhilarating at the same time. Moving in together also meant that our children came to stay with us, sometimes putting seven children into the house. Along with those issues was my need to have some sense of privacy in the community, and the stress that came with interacting with the neighbors. To top it all off, Mr. Fob (understandably) wanted to meet my family and become a part of their traditions. Looking back, I think we were a little over zealous, much like I had been when building fires in my youth. We simply added too many big aspects to the relationship at once. Rather than trying to tackle smaller things first, we forced a lot of them onto ourselves at once.

                In future relationships I need to remember that time is something that I do have.  It is not a race to live in the same house, nor do I need to have everything I had in my marriage all at once. It takes time, patience, and a lot of work to make a relationship work. If too many things are thrown at a relationship at once, the couple cannot give the proper attention to each issue that comes up. Eventually it all becomes overwhelming, and the relationship dies. And that isn’t fun for anyone. 

The Exchange of Hearts

                Alone in a crowded room, that’s how I felt. No matter where I went, or who I was with, the world felt empty. My family was barely speaking with me, and if they did it was often to chastise the choices I had made. They didn't understand these strange feelings that I had been explaining to them. The problem was to me these feelings were not strange, they were who I was.  I was just getting to the point where I could accept that I was a gay man. For so many years I had been hiding the feelings deep within me. When they would come out, I would try to stifle them.  One day I was tired of beating myself up every time my heart skipped a beat seeing a Men’s Health magazine, or a good looking guy at the gym.  It felt good to go on a date with a man. There were so many ways in which I could emotionally connect, and I had never been able to do that with a woman.

                It was January. I had just experienced one of the loneliest holiday season I can remember. I had tried to date, but never seemed to find anyone that seemed to be interested in me as much as I was in them.  I could chat online with hours, but the minute I met anyone in person the feelings seemed to go away. Then by chance, I came upon across a man who called himself Mr. Fob. We started chatting, and instantly felt like this man was someone I could be really good friends with.   Our first date was to a fancy Italian restaurant.  I couldn't tell you the menu, but I do remember feeling alive. The conversation never lulled. I didn't notice the time passing by. My heart felt alive for the first time in years

                The dates with Mr. Fob continued.  Feelings I never knew existed flowed through every part of my body. One night, there was a horrific news story on TV. It upset me beyond belief. It upsets me now just thinking about it. Mr. Fob came over and held me. Made me feel safe. Helped me feel loved.   That night he turned to me, and told me about a special tradition in Wonderland. Those people who fell in love, and wanted to be together would exchange hearts. Literally. Magically.  Gently he pressed his hand to my chest. My heart swelled with love, and suddenly was glowing in the palm of his hand. It was a wonderful feeling. Making myself vulnerable, and trusting him to take care of something so precious to me. Carefully he placed my heart in his chest next to his, and then guided my hand under his heart. It was indeed powerful and strong, a heart of a creature of magic. As he helped me situate his heart in my chest, I began to feel the trust he was putting in me.

                Over time, the burden of carrying a magical heart was wearing on my mortal body. The heart demanded attention that I was not able to give it. His body had provided a safe haven for mine, yet my feeble body was not able to satisfy his. With sorrow in our souls, we knew that it would no longer be possible to carry on. We needed to trade hearts back. When the day came to trade hearts back, they both looked very different than they had months before. As I held his heart in my hand it seemed somewhat weaker, and less brilliant as it had been.  I felt horrible, but I had done the best I could. My heart, on the other hand, had thrived in his body. In fact so much, that it didn't want to leave. It took several hard tugs, before it finally dislodged.  Even then, bits and pieces were left in his body.  As he placed it in my chest, it didn't feel like my own.   My own heart felt like a stranger to me.  It yearned to be back in the care of Mr. Fob.  But Mr. Fob didn't want it.

                In a matter of days, Mr. Fob found someone else to share his heart with, and mine is all alone. My heart feels empty.  When it doesn't feel empty it is full of spite, and hate. How could Mr. Fob forget about it so easily? Why can he move on so fast? Then it hits me, I was never good enough.   And that is where I am today. Hurting. I had everything I wanted, and more.  I couldn't provide that for Mr. Fob, so he went where he could find it. So here I am again. Alone. And this is where I fear I will always be, because I could never take care of someone else’s heart as well as they take care of my own.